THE MADDENING: RELOADED

"You do those kind of things when you're 16 or 18, but not when you're 25!" Actually, correction Wally, im already 26. This was one of my friends parting words when i met him a while ago. I was telling him about my tumultuous lovelife (or the lack of it). How i've been acting really stupid lately, and how i fully know that i am in fact acting stupid and reckless and selfish. All my life, i have been trying so hard not commit things that will hurt the people close to my heart. There were decisions i had to make that were tough and painful but had to do it coz i love these people more than my personal happiness. But now, i am faced with a situation wherein i am fighting with no one but myself. It's a battle i will lose whichever way i choose.

For the past few weeks, i was not fully in control of my life. It is as if i was drifting, just letting myself go with the flow. For the first time, i was not afraid to do something i have been scared of since i was young. Yet, the after effects are making me crazier than i already am. I can't sleep, can't eat properly, can't work well (despite of the gazillions things i had to do), can't think logically! every morning when i wake-up, i check my eyes in the mirror and find a pair of bloodshot-eyes in front of me. It is truly maddening...

"I am barely breathing..." Last week, June 30 (Wednesday), i called-up my ex-boyfriend. After almost a year of not seeing or speaking to him, i mustered enough courage to dial his number. I have anticipated to call him in the past, but decided not to, before finishing his 7-digit number. But i don't know what got into me when i decided to do it, amidst the heavy rains with thunder and lightning to match! I guess, it was just the perfect time. After waiting a bit, i heard his voice. That same familiar voice which use to soothe me during bad times, when the world seems cruel to me. I know i sound too sentimental, but I AM sentimental. Anyway, it felt really nice to hear him once again. I used to play a scene on my mind if the time comes that we'd be able to talk with each other on the phone. I imagined we will sound uneasy at first, but later on will start telling each other everything that has happened or has been happening in our respective lives. It was a "somewhat" accurate scenario. I heard myself speak and spill out the details of my life (without him) but i never really get to hear him speak about his own. Yes, he hasn't changed, still very timid and brief. At first, i felt rather embarassed but i realized, i should tell him everything because i may not have another chance to do this with him again. It was the longest 3 hours of my life! but i felt really good afterwards. Finally, the book has been closed. I am completely over him.

And when i thought i am over and done with this so-called "heart problems", something bigger and more difficult pops-up! ha! the mystery of life! I felt like playing an RPG on pc, the next level becomes even harder, challenges are greater, and options seem very limited. But i will conquer! i know i will...i hope i will...