Everything Happens for a Reason

I do not know what to feel right now, it's been months since i last posted an entry here. I don't exactly feel sad but definitely not happy. I think i'm in the middle of both. I am too tired of thinking about things. I want to make it easier for the people i love. All my life, all i ever want to do was to protect them from getting hurt. I never imagined i will be causing them so much pain...but i have to take the consequences of my actions. I just take refuge on God's word that He can turn something bad (this isn't necessarily bad) into good, if we just continue to trust in Him.

Friends are really blessings from God. Right now, i get my strength from the people around me. They give me encouragement and hope, whenever i feel too down or confused. I am hopeful that everything will work together for good. I know the path will not be easy yet i know that God will never leave me to despair. I am confident of His love and faithfulness. During the most difficult times of my life, He was there, and i believe that He will continue to be with me until everything settles.

Think happy thoughts, that's what i tell myself whenever i feel alone. I'm just glad that i will never run out of it, for i have kept so much that nothing, not even a burden like this could defeat my spirit.

Enjoy the ride and learn from it.

The Unbearable Feeling of Sadness

This is the irony of my life. I am supposed to be happy because of a new-found love but frankly i am not. It's not because of the guy i chose to love this time but it is a kind of sadness brought by circumstances i think i am destined to live with. Sometimes, i don't even understand myself anymore. How i always end up looking back and blaming things or people for the situation i am in now. I guess i have not fully forgiven myself for the mistakes i have committed or things i should have done rightly in the past. I sincerely don't want to live with regrets but sadly, I am. Since that "most shattering" event in my life, i feel i have not completely recovered, or would i ever? i really do not know the answer. There's this pervading feeling of gloom even if i should be happy. That event changed my life forever. It haunts me, as if it was part of my existence.

People always think that i am such a bubbly person. I could crack jokes with ease, they say i could even pass as a comedian if i decide to change careers. Despite of the happy front, the feeling of emptiness and sadness lives within me. I have been trying so hard to dismiss this feeling but no matter how much i try, i can't.

I would have wanted to feel happy now. I found a man who loves me, trying to understand my momentary bouts of craziness, openly professing his love when i could only offer a smile when people ask me if i love him, patiently waiting for me even if i can be so difficult and childish. I do not wish to love him deeply because i fear losing him just like the others i have loved in the past. I do not wish to give myself a chance, crazy but true.

I do not know how to make myself feel happy anymore. It seems i have chosen to live life this way. Although at times, it can really be so difficult and painful. Often times, it kills me, my spirit atleast.

Crazy.

I am.

Hallucinating from the drug induced by this pill called love.

.

Mga Bago sa Buhay ni Purplegurl

Matagal na kong nag-dalaga pero ang dami pa rin nagbabago sa buhay ko. So far, magaganda naman yun changes, ang hindi nga lang okey ay sa tuwing napapadaan ako sa salamin at bigla kong narerealize na tumatanda na ko (white hair, wrinkles, dry skin...)! Pero oks lang din, masaya pa rin naman, mas may freedom na to do the things you want to do, or go to places you wanna go, without repeating the lines over and over bago finally mablurt-out sa aking loving parents ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan mag-out of town or magsleep over (occasionally telling a lie just so payagan). Recently, naawa ang tatay ko sa akin at binili ako ng bagong mobile phone. As a sign of gratitude, i offered to pay his credit card bills (na sa ngayon ay parang pinagsisisihan ko na...hehehe). Just this month, nabigyan rin ako ng opportunity to teach students in one of the new colleges in Pasay. Astig to dahil it was always been my dream to become a college teacher. At first, medyo kinabahan ako, feeling ko tinitignan ako ng mga students ko mula ulo hanggang paa. Bigla rin nagflash back ang mga "secret names" na ibinibigay namin sa mga professors ko nung college...i thought, eto na yata ang karma ko! :)) Thank God, i survived the first week! it was nice to be on top, a position wherein your students listen to you, and nod in agreement everytime you say something new, of value, or plainly brilliant to them...or they nod simply to hide their boredom/lack of understanding??? bahala na, it's too early pa rin to analyze things. Basta, thankful lang ako to have another venue to share whatever i learned in the past. But honestly, mahirap palang maging isang guro. Now, mas bumilib ako sa mga naging teachers ko since elementary days. Being a teacher requires enthusiasm, dedication, and patience! not to mention, a bagful of energy! My first few days, parang gagapang ako pauwi, i was soooo tired, imagine, almost 3 hours ka na nagsasalita in front of a class na pagod na dahil 7 am pa lang ay nasa klase na sila. Pero, i love the new challenge! after more than 5 years, i had the guts to apply for a new job (kahit part time lang).

So what else is new?? hmmm...no more love life (hehe, o ang daming nag-react ah!). Tahimik na naman ang buhay ko, although sometimes i miss the thrill of having someone around, yun bang someone you can hold hands with, laugh with (even with the silliest jokes), chat with kahit minsan outrageous na ang mga kuwento, hugs (and kisses!). Sabi nila it's the time of the year that single people get its highest depression level (ewan ko sa iba, pero ako i don't have much time to think of it right now...maybe after all the work).

Marami rin bagong kaibigan - from my new work, new contacts, visayan artists i met in the conference, and kung saan-saan pa. Tulad ng sabi ni chie, mukhang humahaba ang listahan ng bibigyan ng gifts this christmas (nakup!).

Ang saya talaga to have new things, experiences, and friends. Pero siyempre, it's still important to appreciate and value more those "old" things, experiences, and friends, you already have dahil after sometime all these supposedly new stuffs will grow old with you too later on.

**work in progress pa rin ang entry ko about my Bacolod trippings...watch out for it! :)

***Bits and Pieces***

Ang dami ko na dapat blog...pero ang konti ng oras...kaya isang entry na lang para sa lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.

Finished Project
Pagkatapos ng ilang araw na puyatan, naipanganak na rin namin ang Weaving Lives: The Art of Saori exhibit for Zero In 3. Ang sarap na mahirap palang gumawa ng isang exhibit, fulfilling sobra, pero hardwork rin ang katapat. Maraming salamat Don, Chie, Jale, sa pagcocontribute ng inyong malulupet na graphic designs, at lay-outing powers, kay leslie de chavez "da idol", sa 2 astig na astig na murals, sa mga maintenance people, na sobrang sipag at hindi mapapantayang improvisation ng kung anu-anong materyales para lang masunod ang designs ni don, sa lahat ng staff ng museo na nakakatuwang pagmasdan habang nagkakaisang magtrabaho sa project na tulad nito, kina tita becky, kuya boyet, for their patience at perserverance, at sa mga bata ng VSA for inspiring us throughout the first and last stages of the project, kayo ang tunay na bida ng exhibit na to! I'm personally proud of this project simply because it was born out of love of these people who worked hard for it.

Sembreak Scenes sa Sidebar
Chie at Les, galaw-galaw! Kung kayo ay napadaan sa sidebar malate nung nakaraang sabado, malamang ay nahuli ninyo ang tatlong "medyo" tipsy na mga nagfifeeling sembreakers, chie, les, at des! Super bonding session with asaran, biruan, kantyawan on the side. Ang lulupet ninyo talagang kasama chie at les! wala kong masabi sa tandem ninyong tuksuhin ako habang katabi ko ang taong di umano'y nabiktima ng sex appeal ko, mwahahaha! (malamang manyak yon!)...What better way to celebrate than be with your closest friends and bottles of San Mig Light! ayuz.

Chika from the Past
Honestly, after being officially single again, i never like attending weddings anymore, pero since mga matatalik na kaibigan ang ikakasal, siyempre full support ako! Last September, i attended two weddings in a week! grabe, parang na nanadya ang pagkakataon...habang ayaw na ayaw mo, lalo kang paglalaruan ng tadhana. Sa 2 kasalang pinuntahan ko, ako pareho ang "nagwagi" sa pagsalo ng infamous bouquet! haha, ang lupet ng tadhana, hayop magbiro...habang sige ang press release ko na hindi na ko mag-aasawa, ayun at ako pa of all the women in those two weddings ang nakasalo ng bouquet!!! waaaa!!!!
Congrats pala uli kina Dinah at Dennis, Shirley at Alex!

Hongkong-China Trip
I felt that this trip happened too fast. Parang feeling ko i was in a daze of sorts. Masaya sana dahil kasama ko for the first time ang ilang sa mga ka-opisina ko from museo, pero parang kulang pa rin. Maybe because ang itinerary aside from the wonderful museum tours was basically all about shopping..and since, i did not have enough money to buy the stuffs, hindi ko rin masayadong na-enjoy. Medyo bitin pa ang pagbisita namin sa Shenzhen China dahil ayaw namin kagatin ang offer na tour package ng agency! pero okey na rin, atleast nakatapak rin kami sa mainland (that's according to emer :) )...Yung pinakapaborito ko sigurong part ng trip was the Stanley beach visit dahil masayang mag-ikot sa mga shops na mas mura ang presyo compared to the Temple St. night market, at dahil doon ako naka-score ng malupet na bag from India, at ultra cute na Nepalese hat :) After Stanley, nagkaroon din ako ng pagkakataon lumibot mag-isa sa hongkong central district, coz i was looking for the John Batten gallery, na nirecommend ni les na puntahan. Unfortunately, sarado ang gallery that time, pero oks na rin dahil nakita ko nag Peel St. na strip sa HK na puro galleries (may bonus pa dahil nakita ko rin ang Soho district, na puro mga antique shops naman). While walking around, napad-pad din ako sa Graham St. where i met Mrs. Lee, owner of a secondhand shop sa nasabing kalye. Grabe, ang daming anik-anik sa shop nila, at super friendly pa sya. Sabi niya friends na raw kami, at pag bumalik daw ako sa HK next time, bisitahin ko raw siya uli. Sayang nga lang at depleted na ang cash ko nun kaya isang astig na bracelet na lang ang nabili ko at a very discounted price...pramis, next time i visit HK, magsisave na ko ng money for Mrs. Lee's store. Masaya rin ang ferry ride (na tumagal lang ata ng 10minutes) from Kowloon side to HK central, and back. Ang saya at ang sarap ng feeling na magtravel lalo na when you get the chance to explore and see places on your own. If ever i go back and visit HK, i'll make sure na may disneyland na dun, which is opening very soon...

Looking Forward To...

...Bacolod trip on the 27th of this month with tita mads, tina, and les.
...Christmas! kasama na ang mga bonuses, exchange gifts, parties, at no work!!!
...hopefully, a trip to Japan (kung may maaawang magsponsor...)
...a teaching job (a chance to earn extra, and impart knowledge to other kids around)
...Annual Gift Giving
...A serious (?) lasting (hopefully), relationship ;)

Basta, thank God for all these!

Sounds Familiar!

*copied from one of the articles in peyups site. (astig 'to)


This Side Up : Parang kayo, Pero hindi
Contributed by noringai (Edited by mananalaysay) Monday, October 04, 2004 @ 07:40:50 PM (read 911 times)

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi? Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."
Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya… almost, but not quite.

Blessed

Honestly, i can't really say im happy at this point in my life. Yet, i could never argue the fact that the good Lord has constantly showered me with blessings that sometimes i feel guilty whenever i get sad or a bit lonely. I really so much to thank for these days, that's why i decided to list it down (as the song goes, "count your blessings one by one...").

Family. They are the best that i could ever have. I know how my family loves me, and i will definitely do anything for them, even risking my own personal happiness. They are the best gift from above.

Friends. Since i was little, i always give high value to my friends or whom i call mga kalaro back then. Even if they would often bully me, i never really hated them for doing so. It felt like i can never live without them, and guess, that's how i still feel until now. I used to say, if ever there will come a point when a boyfriend ask me to choose between him and my friends, i will never hesitate to choose my friends over him! after all the things that happened in my life, i have proven my friends' loyalty and reliability, and i will never trade them for any guy for that matter.

Art. I think it's one of the things that keep me sane and a bit insane at the same time, which means it gives balance to my life. I realized that it is one of my strongest passions, to explore and continue to discover and learn anything that concerns art. I have been fortunate enough to be exposed and experience first hand happenings and going ons in the art scene. I love looking at works that inspire me to think and challenge me to go beyond what i have actually seen. I believe an artwork can speak volumes of things and one only has to discover the concepts it wants to communicate to the viewer or the audience.

Jobs on the side. The Lord do knows us and even our needs. Somehow, He has a way of making us feel really blessed by surprising us with good things that we never imagined would come at the perfect time. This happened to me recently, and i really thank God for giving me a chance to earn extra bucks! :) (just when i needed it most...).

On a lighter side...more things to be thankful for:

Thanks Tina for the free ticket to see Troyanas (one of the best plays i've seen so far this year!). I salute those who made this play possible. Astig to, women empowerment, anti-war/anti-violence, male chauvinist pigs exposed, it tackled many things, walang dull moment, magaling ang pagkakagawa, superb perfomance by the actors and actresses.

Thank you uli kay Lord dahil nawala agad ang fever ko, now, i can atleast relax and not worry that i'll be sick the entire Hongkong trip.

Oh that, thank you MP for subsidizing our trip next week! kala ko di na ko makakasama, buti na lang! and honestly, im pretty excited about this trip, i've been itching to travel last year pa, now, finally we'll be going again plus dami pang kasama kaya mas masaya! yipee!

Ang sarap talaga magbilang ng blessings, napapawi lungkot at hinanakit sa puso ng kahit na sinong tao.